When I was a kid my parents had my IQ tested a couple times and it was alarmingly low. I had a complex about it for a long time. It seemed real to me. I had trouble doing simple things. People around me seemed frustrated or uncomfortable with how I did anything. I walked funny. I had little control over what I did with my face and hands most of the time. I felt lost in most conversations. When I did talk, I seemed to make people more uncomfortable.
Over the years I’ve got diagnosed with depression, manic depression, bipolar, schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder, anxiety, ADD, something about dissociative something… I’m pretty sure it’s impossible for one person to have all those things, so I just stopped listening to the diagnosis after a while. I guess I believe that no one’s figured out the words to describe what’s going with people most of the time.
So I only worked minimum wage jobs for years. I failed at them a lot. My phone was always getting shut off. I couldn’t afford the food I wanted to eat, or sometimes any food at all. When I got sick I didn’t go to doctors. I only attracted toxic lovers who all left me for people who weren’t like this.
Then, in one specific hour that I’ll always remember, I just got so sick of being broke and powerless that I started to try “smart people” stuff. I thought that even if I failed all the time I might be a little better off.
I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone this, but sometimes I’d film myself and study how other people moved and talked to train myself to navigate life better. It was a lonely trudge. Anyway, I started doing weird but very simple shit like that which actually ended up working.
And I did fail, a lot. It was embarrassing, but not any more than I was used to. I was right. I was a little bit better off.
I aimed for the tippy top of business. If I was gonna embarrass myself anyway, why not go hard? So I built a whole company from scratch which I planned to be the big boss of. I was met with resistance the whole way. I didn’t have funding from anyone. My credit was horrible. Pretty much everyone tried to talk me into aiming lower. “You don’t need your own sites, just use platforms like everyone else.” “You don’t need your own bank, just use CCbill.” “You don’t need an affiliate program, those are too hard for you to run and maintain.” “You can’t win AVNs, you’re a crossover.” “You can’t fund all this with submissive sex work gigs, that’s too much torture.” “You’re paying models and crew too much, you’ll never make a profit.”
For a little over 6 years they were all right. Everything fell apart over and over. My body took damage. I got taken advantage of a lot, and mostly by people who said they were my friends. I regularly got blacklisted by the porn agencies for being different.
After a few years I got it dialed in. I could outmaneuver the smart people. I can’t explain any method. Maybe I’m not smart enough to describe it. I just get a lot of complex shit done now that most people can’t seem to. One thing I can explain is that I got very interested in efficiency. I read about businesses in other industries, like auto manufacturing and fashion. I tried applying their math to porn. Some of it works. I don’t know why no one else tries things like this.
I started to hear different things like “You can’t teach yourself finance and accounting. Let me do that for you for a percentage of your business.” “You can’t grow anymore with out a bigger company’s help, let them ‘partner’ with you.” I’m so glad I don’t listen to smart people.
I did fill enough shelves with AVNs and Xbiz trophies as a performer, and as a director, that I really don’t care about winning any more of them. I built a profitable company. I don’t know of many other porn companies that are actually profitable and self supporting. Meaning, the movies I make are each profitable on their own. The extra ad revenue, global cable distribution, DVDs, cross sales… are just money that I mostly give to causes that I believe in. I do have my own bank, my own affiliate program, my own servers, my own payroll, my own film equipment, my own computers, a warchest of lawyers that can hold up against any other porn company… I’ve never had to lowball a model or crew member on rates. I’m pretty sure Pervout pays models, directors, crew and staff about 10-20% more than Evil, Kink, Gamma, Mind Geek, Lust… For sure, Pervout asks for less time and energy from anyone than those companies. I have plenty of money and content, so I’ve never had to coerce people into finishing work for me that they don’t want to do. I’ve walked away from offers from big brand companies because I didn’t agree with them, and felt no consequence. I’ve never had to even consider changing my end of a contract or business agreement out of stingyness or desperation.
Pervout might not be a household name. It might not have any clout, or be a company people brag about working for. It stands it’s own ground. If you try to make it budge, you will fall on your ass. This is more than most can say.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately as I’m changing genders. I’m extremely fortunate that I can just get the surgeries and procedures that decide to get from the best providers in the country. I’m doing what should take 4-5 years in about 13 months. This matters to me because I’m 42 years old and I want some good years of being a sexy big dick swinging MILF before it’s all over.
I’m so glad I tried. I mean I tried life. I was just enduring life before I started to try living it. Money, power and connections do not fix everything. They sure make life a lot easier though.
You might be much more powerful than you think, no matter what experts and authorities in your life say. Please consider this when you struggle.